Lift me up, let me go

It's been hard to get back into the swing of things. Before I left on my vacation, work was burning me out, hard. This was partially due to the fact that I had worked a truly spectacular number of hours to try and afford this trip, and partially because while I like my job, I used to love it. The love has left, and I starting to feel trapped and hateful and nervous about my work. It's not what I want to do or where I want to be.

The problem, as with so many people, is that I'm not sure what the answers to those questions are. This is the dilemma of a generation.

To this end, I embarked on another journey many, many months ago. I thought to myself, "I loved my degree, I enjoyed Latin, and many people I know are teachers...perhaps this is the route for me!" I went out and talked to one of my old professors, Dr. LaFleur, who has never been anything but kind and generous, and who didn't disappoint. He gave me a ridiculous amount of information and pointed me towards a scholarship due soon, and gave me the boost I needed to get that sucker done and in the mail asap. Thanks to his help, I managed to get the scholarship...$500. Not much, at least in terms of how far that gets you in academia, but enough that it would let me take an Independent Distance Learning course through my university.

Dr. LaFleur recommended that I take Foundations in Education, since I didn't have any experience or background in teaching. Let me state, for the record, that of all the things I regret, I do not for one minute regret taking this course. It was engaging and informative; it made me take another long hard look at a lot of issues, and opened my eyes to things that I had never even considered might be issues. I do regret that I didn't get my shit together and do stuff within a reasonable timeline. I managed to finish the class, only by the grace of pots of coffee, and the amazing staff at IDL, who gave me the week's extension that I needed to get everything in on the proper timeline.

A week ago this morning, I took the final exam for EFND: 2110. It's been years now since I took an exam, and this one was nice and written. I spent several hours scrawling furiously and alternately hoping against hope that the information that I was remembering was the right information and that it would somehow stop being subartic in the testing room (it, in fact did not get warmer, and I don't yet know about my grade). When it was over, I remained worried, a feeling that I'm no stranger to, but I had forgotten the particulars of test-induced worry where your brain is racing a mile a minute remembering the questions and what you wrote, and I have to tie my hands down to keep from going and looking up the answers because it doesn't matter. The test is over. You can't change anything.

So now, I find myself at a loss. This class and the need to make sure that I finished it (so that I don't have to pay back that scholarship) had been the overwhelming drive during the weeks since I returned from my trip out west. And now? Now what?

I learned a lot of really interesting things from that class. I learned even more during the required observation time that I had to do. It's been a while since I've actually been in a classroom, and I've never been on the other side of the teacher's desk. I've sure as hell never experienced kids who would just walk out of the classroom in groups, no regard for the instructors or possible consequences. I don't know if I'm cut out to be a teacher. I don't know if I should give it a shot anyway. I want to help kids and make a difference and an impact, but I don't know if teaching is that outlet.

The basic gist is, I just don't know. Like. Anything. It's frustrating and terrifying. I'm confused and adrift.

The scariest thing? How many people there are out there just like me.

Tuesday I finish bus training. It's not what I want to do, but it's more money. Maybe more hours. I'm not sure that it really matters in the long run. Tonight I learned that my former stepfather realized what a huge mistake he made two years ago, when I had the option of letting the family dog be put to sleep, or taking her myself in a 2 bedroom apartment with a cat (that she would kill) and with me working 10+ hours a day, consistently. I also learned that he thinks it's my fault and I am a terrible person for having friends who helped me out immeasurably by lending me their backyards and garages and helping look after her.

Tonight I also learned that I'm finally going to be able to drive a car made in this century, for a really good deal, and courtesy of my father.

The world is funny, sad, and strange. Often all at once.

And I lied. I do know what I don't want. I don't want to be stuck, never moving forward, never following through, never figuring out me.